Sunday, 11 January 2009
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Why Guys Prefer Virgins
(This entry is an edited repost and was originally inspired by an entry from relationshipnoob.)
I used to be a hopeless romantic. The only difference now is that I'm far from hopeless! XD
The controversy surrounding the ideals of virginity are tightly interwoven with the Disney canon-esque hopeless romantic mentality. It's well known that young women in mainstream US society (do not read as mainstream media) are taught to value their virginity, and to lock it up tightly for as long as possible. They're instructed to prize their unbroken hymens as their single most valuable possessions, and they're encouraged to imagine their first sexual encounters as the most mind-blowingly overwhelming experience of their entire lives... which will forever solder their souls to those of their first and only sexual partners!
I myself grew up in this state of mind regarding my own virginity. It made sense to me that one partner's virginity was compromised by his or her partner's lack of thereof when it came to the magic and fireworks and all of the other sorts of things that come packaged with the innocence and passion of the first time experience. I took me a very long time to realize that other guys weren't on the same page that I was. But surely, I reasoned, my female peers who were also saving themselves would respect and admire my resolve as well as my appreciation for the potentially life-changing bonding experience that the first time offers.
It turns out that I was dead wrong. Every partner I've ever gotten close to couldn't care less about whether or not I had retained my virginity, even as they cherished and clung to their own for dear life while simultaneously harboring 'perfect' first-time fantasies. Some of these girls even admitted they'd prefer a sexually experienced partner when it did come time to turn in their V-cards.
Not coincidentally, it seems as though many guys have a preference for virgins. Some guys won't date anyone at all unless she's still 'pure.' So what's the mechanism at work behind this glaring contradiction of values between the sexes? How could it be that experienced females are 'impure' yet experienced males are 'superior?' How can so many guys move from one virgin to the next, reasoning that only 'pure' girls are worthy of their courtship when they're leaving behind a trail a of 'impurified' past partners who, in their eyes, are no longer fit to move on the way they have have themselves?
On a superficial level, I think it's easier for guys to move from one virgin to the next when they date partly because we're encouraged to by outdated, yet self-perpetuating standards in the media and in mainstream society.
On a more realistic level, I think some guys do it because they actually do have a sensitive side (regardless of whether or not they describe it that way themselves) and because it's sometimes difficult to come to terms with the fact that when you choose to go to bed with an experienced partner, someone else was there before you were. And perhaps this amazing girl standing in front of you (or lying on top of you, or under you... or in cowgirl position on top of you) has invested a great deal of her emotional self into another person before the two of you ever even crossed paths. In other words, perhaps guys who move from one virgin to the next are uncomfortable with themselves and their own ability to cope with the emotional taxation of dating a sexual peer.
If you're not 100% comfortable with your own history and the way that our true-life behaviors sometimes contradict the hypothetical ideals we try to claim, it can be even more uncomfortable to accept your new partner's honest-to-goodness, nonfictional history. It might just seem a lot easier to lots of us to be selfish by starting 'fresh' with a virgin every time in order to avoid the psychological strains of carrying someone else's extra baggage in addition to your own. However, I think that it will eventually retard your social development if you can't learn to accept yourself and others for who they are and what most of us have really lived through... regardless of what we've convinced ourselves and others about our so called 'true' values. The truth is that our actions reflect our true values, and not what we say our true values are.
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Comments (57)
I think it's about possession than anything for guys. As for the girls, I'd dare say it's about having a competent partner who knows what he is doing.
Indeed.
I loved that my husband saved himself for marriage. I told him when he told me before we were married that's what he was doing that it was a wonderful idea. I like that I'm the only one who has ever been with him in that sense. I wouldn't have it any other way.
This was a very interesting read. Well done. :]
I'm one of those girls who would rather have an experienced guy. My first time was with a guy who was completely inexperienced, and it was terrible, to say the least.
Nicely done!!!
@nanumus - I get that vibe too!!! Two really interesting yet different ways of viewing sex.
I know in my own sexual conquests I don't seek men with few partners. I tend to date and sleep with men who can teach me something in the bedroom. I also don't meet men who want virgins. Having sex with virgins is often messy and hard to deal with. Since we are taught that giving your virginity is the most amazing mindblowing sex of our lives that will connect us to our partner, many are left high and dry when reality sets in. First time males cum too fast. Females experience pain and bleeding. It's over way too fast with not too much pleasure for the virgin involved. I've heard countless stories from women who were upset and had expected too much for a first time.
I myself had sex at 16. I don't think I had that mindblowing amazing sex until I was 18 or 19 years old and it got better not because I was more experienced per say but because of my own confidence in my sexual self.
I like this post. I rec'd it
Damn. This was very well written. Deserves a rec.
Very true. My one complaint is girls who feign innocence and then suddenly have you twisted in a pretzel and you are on the verge of orgasm.....wait a second..... that sounds more like fun than anything else. I've never been with a virgin. *tear* But honestly I don't think I'd have to patience to "break her in". *rereads comment* I sound like a whore don't I?
First times will always be painful. Thats why they say to have sex with someone who you are comfortable with and that you trust.
I'm virgin for personal reasons...and the boyfriend has said he likes the fact that I'm "clean" but then again I proud myself on being "clean." But thats the great thing about saying who you have known and trusted for years; you know they aren't dating you for the fact that you are a virgin.
Which is funny because young guys my age (the boyfriend is older) wouldnt date me, because i told them, i was a virgin and that we may never have sex...and they booked it. Thank God. If i ever had sex with one of them, i would have regreted it.
Anyways, im rambling, but your post is so right.
Xo
This is an awesome post. I agree 100% on the actions and true values part. Very well said :]]
i agree. But me being a virgin myself, i've encountered many guys that know your a virgin yet still pressure you into having sex. It's like, i'm not a virgin because i can't get a guy, it's because i chose not to have sex. I'm just waiting for a person i have a true conection with and can fully trust. Am i some conquest to them jsut because i'm still a virgin. Wow, that's low.
my husband and i both waited 'til we were married, and i'm so glad. the experience was far from mindblowing, lol (at least physically), and i really appreciate that we shared our "horrible" first time together in love, trust, true intimacy, and more than a little humor.
i think you're probably right about the reasons/motivations you list but i think they also make most guys sound incredibly selfish and kind of disgusting. not that girls are much better, i suppose... just goes to show that our society has a skewed perception of sex, perhaps.
:)
Very well written, enjoyed the comments too
at 17, most the guys I'd talked to had already been involved with someone... I didnt know ANY guys that had retained it. (willingly that is).
I've had two virgins in my life, I had to train them. The only thing I can really walk away with is the pride to say "I've had two virgins" that's really all it's worth. The best sex of my life has been with more experienced people. The idea of waiting is overrated. Go out there and get F***ed. Practice makes perfect.
@nanumus - yeah, i think so too
personally, to me, it doesn't matter that much. i've had both the reformed man-slut and taken a guy's v-card, and it honestly doesn't matter that much if you're in a happy and communicative relationship...
It could be an ego thing too. I mean you always remember your first. If they go through a string of virgins, all of those women will forever remember them.
I think this post definitely has merit. Every time someone else makes a post like this, they basically sum it up to the guy being "possessive" (and sometimes along with a ton of insults toward the male gender) and I don't believe that. Some guys are possessive, not all. I do agree with what you said. Though I don't understand why so many females would prefer a 'more experienced' guy.. Maybe I was around guys too much growing up. Good post!
@JessxMaxine - "Which is funny because young guys my age (the boyfriend is older) wouldnt date me, because i told them, i was a virgin and that we may never have sex...and they booked it. Thank God. If i ever had sex with one of them, i would have regreted it.."
lol! No offense of course, but if a GUY told ME that he wanted to remain a virgin, I would've ran off too!
A lot of people view sex as an important part of a relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean they're pigs. But who knows!
Anyway, this was a great post. I feel bad for girls who feel like "used goods" after they've lost their virginity. It's a terrible shame ... They should enjoy the same status as an experienced lover like experienced men do. Sexual experiences don't taint you, they broaden your sexual knowledge and contribute to your own self-knowledge. This should be considered a good thing, as long as you continue to respect yourself and others and practice safe sex.
My man and I waited until we were married and it's been A LOT of fun exploring that part of "us"! I did care that he was a virgin. I wasn't saving myself for someone else's sloppy seconds! It was one of the things that made me fall for a guy who really wasn't my type.
I think it fully depends on morals (i.e. religion, values taught by parents, etc). I wasn't raised religious and my parents didn't really instill very good values into my head. Thus I lost my virginity at sixteen but I definitely don't regret it.
As for saving yourself for a "perfect" or "mind-blowing" first time, get over it!! haha. I don't know about you, but my first time was extremely awkward and painful! And to wait until my wedding night just to bleed all over some hotel room sheets and have my new husband cum after 5 minutes just wouldn't be the perfect wedding night that I'm gunna want to remember for the rest of my life.
Now, I'm not condoning sluttin' around or anything crazy. I don't know. I just think that its okay to give yourself to someone if you love them. But I'm not religious or anything. Just my opinion.
As always, I love reading your blog. Keep it up! :)
@mini_mayfield - Of course, they were not virgins and they just wanted sexual acts to be considered a relationship but I didn't consider sexual acts to be needed inorder for us to be a couple.
And I was only sixteen/seventeen at the time. Lol. So I can't blame them or be mad. Its just life.
Xo
I really dig your point about insecurity and being unwilling to date a sexual peer. I think that aspect is definitely present.